Good bye January

Well January you have successfully been the worst month of my entire life! The year is already 1/12 of the way over, and I have wasted that time. So a month late but I am going to make 2011 be the best year ever!

Now some lyrics:

And I'm done hoping that we could work it out
I'm done with how it feels, spinning my wheels
Letting you drag my heart around
And, oh, I'm done thinking that you could ever change

I know my heart will never be the same
But I'm telling myself I'll be okay
Even on my weakest days
I get a little bit stronger

Doesn't happen overnight but you turn around
And a month's gone by and you realize you haven't cried
I'm not giving you a hour or a second or another minute longer
I'm busy getting stronger

My favorite line is "I'm not giving you an hour or a second or another minute longer" And really I am getting stronger. 

I leave for Florida in 6 days :) Just what I needed, the chance to experience new things and get out of Cedar City. When I get back I'm going to get my life back on track with all the things I used to want. I have big plans for my life and I'm ready to start going on them. 

I am putting myself out there and taking chances. I just want to know that I can do things without him.  

So here is to you February, lets make things happen and have fun doing it! 

Thank you

I have spent a lot of time focusing on myself and my feelings and I know its nessacary to go through this. The thing I need to do is thank all of my family and friends who have so graciously given their time to me. I have been given so much great advice from these people who care so much about me. I can't say thank you enough, I know that it isn't over but if I focus on being thankful it distracts me from my own thoughts.

 Last night I had a dream about you, it was the first one in a couple weeks. You walked up to me and kissed me, asked me back into your life and promised again that we would get married. This time I woke up and knew your promise would end the same way all the rest of your lies have. I am mad that you couldn't talk to me about what was bothering you or that you didn't want to fix us. I have lately had a sinking feeling that you lied to me about things, and having to deal with the secrets helped you realize you couldn't make good on your promise.

I had/have an unhealthy addiction to you, and the only thing that made me feel good was more of you. Your time your attenton and your thoughts. I don't want to be the girl who is validated by the man she is with. I am striving to be a strong self-fulfilled woman that I know I can be. Seeing your family or being close to where I know you're at feeds that addiction and really it just opens my wounds. The thing is I don't know how to get past this downward sprial I'm in.  It feels like its all self-inflicted wounds at this point.

I keep going back to all my crying and worrying about the future, you always told me not to stress because it was going to work out. Do you see now what I was so afraid of? You made all my worst fears come true and honestly it is as bad as I thought it would be at least right now. However I do know that there is a time when I will be past those fears, there is a light at the end of this tunnel. That thought alone is helping me get through this rough time.
I still see your smile when I close my eyes, feel your arms around me and your kisses on the back of my neck. You made me happy but now I know that I need to make me happy, what I would give for a switch to turn off all the memories we had together.

Whats good is that I get the chance to let someone else make me a priority, to be as happy with me as I am with them. I told you once I wanted someone to treat me like a princess, I thought you had. But now I don't think so, I need someone who makes me feel that I am worth taking the risk and making that commitment.

one month

Well its been 4 weeks with out seeing or hearing you... today I don't feel much better than the day after it happened. I've been doing everything right... hanging out with my family and friends, going to gym, burying myself in school and work. Yet I still find time to miss you. I went and hung out with your mom yesterday, she said you still have bad days too (this made me feel a little better) and that you weren't drinking. I'm proud of you. I just figured you would be.

We talked about things that I thought would happen for us and how said I was that it wasn't ever going to happen, you mom said she didn't want me to have the same relationship she had... and that she saw traits in you that your father had. I never wanted to see it but maybe finding someone who will go to church with me and support me in all my goals will be good.

Everyone seems to have the same opinion, and that is you just weren't motivated. That might not be the reason you couldn't marry me but I feel like its part of it. In reality this makes sense and I don't want to have to motivate you to do everything, I shouldn't have to be your mom. Maybe the next guy in my life will be self motivated.

I have a lot of things in my life that have become so much more important to me. It feels like I have more of a purpose than just taking care of you. I am doubtful I can be as happy with someone else as I was with you but I sure as hell can be happier with myself than I was when I with you... and that might just give me reason enough to not care that you haven't tried to talk to me.

I'm still hurt but I'm trying to make something good out of what has happened. I still love you and probably always will. Just maybe I can open my heart to someone else in the future.

The Ride

In my last post I mentioned that the ride was coming to an end, I had hoped that it was close to the end. I was wrong I guess there are a few more hurdles than I last thought.

Everytime I close my eyes I feel like this is all a dream/nightmare and that when I open them again you'll be there smiling and putting your arms around me. Making me feel like your whole world. Do you miss that? I do, and as hard as I am trying to put the past away it still creeps up on me when I least expect it. I cried about you for the first time in a week, why the hell can't I just move past what we had and on to what may be the best thing ever?

I found out your brother and sister-in-law are having a girl, and I'm so excited for them. I really thought that would be us in another year, I was so excited that I found someone I could trust and love completely and be with for the rest of my life. I don't feel like I could ever be that happy with someone else, and I don't want to just settle. Today I feel like I lost the best thing that ever happened to me, and it is all my fault. Why couldn't stupid Dani just be content with what we had?

Being with you was as easy as breathing for me, it came so natural. I was so blissfully happy and it came to a crashing halt, on that day you called me from the jewelry store saying you couldn't do it. Jaimee told me you said we could work it out that we could pick a ring together, but I knew you'd never be able to do it and that our relationship was history. I wanted so badly for you to ask me to stay, to come up with a solution to fix us... I guess you were done trying. You still haven't tried calling, I should know by know you don't want to fix what we had and I need to stop hoping you'll come back to me. I NEED to hate you but I just can't, after all you were my best friend. But you lied to me, you got my hopes up and then crushed them...

I have the chance to move forward in my life and I am trying so very hard to do that, but thoughts of you just keep popping back into my head and it sucks it really does. I miss you. I miss what we had. I can't believe someone would WANT to be alone for their life but I guess you do.

Confidence

You've heard the quote "sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together" Well I was convinced that what I had with Blair was the "better". My head knows now that I was wrong and my heart is coming around to the idea. I think better things are starting to come forward. The most advice I have gotten about this whole situation is to focus on myself and I haven't been able to do that fully until now.

I feel more like a whole person than the whole time we dated, because it was always a "we" thing, kind of a package deal. My individuality that I had before is starting to come back and I know that I can and will get back on that horse (metaphorically speaking)

I have always been a lucky person and that has to do with my perspective on things; I read part of the book called "the secret" it basically states that if you think positively it will happen. So instead of saying "I hope I don't get sick" you have to think "I won't get sick" and right now I'm saying "I will be happy". It is better to fake it till you make it than to just wait for happiness to find you. I have been faking for the first two weeks but now I think I have found something to make me truly happy.

It won't be easy but it will be worth it. I got some great advice from a great friend at work. She said "you have to be happy in the present because you can never get it back" I know some people will think I am out of my mind crazy but honestly I am ready to face the music. So its been just over 3 weeks now and I feel like my roller coaster is starting to level out, coming to the real end of the ride. Now its time to find a new ride and enjoy the new twists and turns.

I might be getting a puppy like this one 

Day 20 (almost)

Tomorrow it will be 20 days with out seeing your or hearing your voice. I still miss you. I have come to realize your not going to come back, no matter how much I want it forcing you into marrying me will just make you miserable. I can't help thinking about how great of a guy you truly are, except for this one thing we were so completely happy.

To bad this one thing is a huge thing, for me at least. The only way I get through the day is by telling myself that you'll probably not marry anyone else ever. Deep down inside I don't know that this is true but it helps me from blaming myself for everything.

I whined about you putting happy things on your facebook and then what did I do? Put happy things on facebook. I think it must hurt you knowing that I am continuing on just like it hurts me knowing that you are moving on. I hope you are as hurt as I am... I know you are stubborn but you can't have just gone on like nothing happened, after all you were crying that night.

You haven't posted anything on facebook since my last blog post, which makes me wonder if you are reading this? This is a good outlet for my feelings so not everyone has to listen to me go on and on about how I miss you. Just know I want you to be happy, eventually. Just not right now. And honestly I want to know how you are handling things, I'd read your blog.

I have a lot of things going on in my life that I thought you would be apart of and it is really hard not to pick up the phone and tell you all my exciting news. However I know that it will rip apart my already broken heart to hear your voice. I would really like to see Morgan swim tomorrow but seeing you would kill me. I wish I didn't feel like I can't talk to you, maybe we can be friends down the road but right now I just want you to make me feel better by hugging and kissing me and that is SOO not a good idea.

I feel resentment right now about all the lies you told me, hating you is getting easier. I even deleted the pictures of you off my phone, can't say the same for all the hundreds I have saved on my computer but maybe one day it won't hurt so much to look at them. Its only been 20 days but it feels like an eternity. I don't know how I've maintained the strength to not contact you, every fiber of my being says I belong with you but the smallest voice says that I don't want to go back to just hoping you'll propose. And crying about that every other day. Somebody somewhere will want to marry me, for real this time.

The strong, independent, happy Dani has shown her face a time or two and it has felt so amazing. It will be nice to feeling like a whole person all of the time. My family and friends have been so helpful, I didn't realize the support group I have until I really needed them. So many people care about me and while I do miss the friends we had together or spending time with your family I know those people need to take care of you. I hope you are on your way to being the person you want to be. Sorry if I got in the way of that. I am strong and hopefully I can keep the past in the past.

New Adventures

 Last night was AWESOME!!! Me Kyle Jaimee and Jeremy all went to St. George and ate at this fun place called "made in Brazil" They bring meat around on skewers all night long and it was delicious :) we all had a great time, lots of laughs. I do have some wonderful friends :)

Then Jaimee decided we needed to go to Dixie's Crack and hike around, even though I was in heels and it was dark! :) It was an adventure for sure, I'm lucky I didn't die! There were times I thought for sure I was going to end up face first in the red sand, luckily I had some very chivalrous gentlemen looking out for me :) 

Day 16

I thought when love for you died, I should die. It's dead. Alone, most strangely, I live on.

They say that time heals all wounds but all it's done so far is give me more time to think about how much I miss you.


To end this blog post I just want to say how hard getting over him has been, I know it isn't over by a long shot but I can't stop thinking about how things were supposed to be. How many little things you said that made me certain we were going to be getting married. That you would never let me leave, how you planned on having kids with me and things about the house we would buy. The thing I need to realize is you LIED about all of it, I had every ounce of my being convinced that you would go through with it and now I can't even talk to you. My best friend is gone, and you didn't even want to try to work on it. I guess I must have made you just dread our future together. I know all of this now and I still can't convince myself that you NOT coming back. I'm sure you are already over me and that sucks. I see all of your facebook posts and how busy and happy you are, and I wish I was there to share in your happy moments. But I can't be there because of your decision. Do you miss me? Do you wish you would have taken that leap? Or are you thrilled to be with your friends and drinking again? Is this what you want? I thought I was what you wanted..

ups and downs

So I still dream about you, and last night you took me back... It was hard waking up to reality.

I felt like king of the world yesterday, hardly thought of you at all. Then came today, I asked jaimee to text you to see if you could find my passport. You texted me back that you couldn't find it and I fell apart, how could you do that? Seeing your name flash up the new text message is what I've wanted for so long. I just hoped it would be saying "come back, we can do this"

Of course the strong thing for me to do would have been to push delete but instead I replied thanking you for looking and that I hope we did the right thing, I also said I miss my best friend. All you said in reply was "same here. Let me know if you need anything else" I wanted to hear how much you missed me and that you'd do anything to get me back. Why do I let myself believe these foolish things? I just want to wake up in the morning with your arms still around me and here you whisper that you love me. Why did you have to ruin all our plans? I would be the perfect wife, you know that. I've proved it to you a thousand ways, I truly hope this is what will make you happy because it sure isn't making me happy.

This feels like a divorce and in some ways it is, I did everything a wife would do in hopes that I would be a wife to you. Now I am alone. I miss having someone to care for and to make happy. Losing that has taken away part of my soul. I don't know how to just take care of myself. I am trying but I want to clean up after you and make sure you had a good day.

How could you do this to me? to us? I thought this is what you wanted as well. Boy was I wrong. This better make you happy and I hope that you find someone who is better than me for you. My heart is still so broken and I don't know how to fix it.

I'm getting a little bit stronger

This song came to me at the right moment, it was kind of a small blessing.

What I've learned thus far is that the reason my sadness is that my plans for my future came to a halting cessation.In my quest for fulfillment I have discovered that by making my new plans that I can complete has made me feel more whole.

JOY, shine, DrIvE, SAss, OoMpH, sparKle, EXCITEment, Confidence, MOMENTUM, grits, HoPE, NErVE, and SpIrIt.

These are things that I want to add to my life from here on out it is about me, and making me happy! I will focus on my well being and who I am as person. By doing these things I hope to add meaning and value to my life :)  

confessions of a crazy women

Yesterday I almost felt like a whole person, I didn't even cry once. I contribute it to being at work and staying busy. I just can't do that all the time though.

This morning I woke up (its my day off) and couldn't handle the pain, I broke down crying... Why am I so weak? All I could think about was how it was his first day back teaching classes and that normally we would go to breakfast after he was done. I can't believe he is really gone, and I mean gone gone. He won't ever call or talk to me again (a girl can hope but in reality he won't). I just want to go back to when we were happy and just leave it at that. But I can't, he made all these promises to me and broke every single one of them. I just don't know how to convince myself that its really over.

The other night I went out with Jaimee and Jer and Kyle. It was so nice to not be the third wheel, Kyle even bought my dinner. Talk about shocking, no other guy besides Blair has bought my dinner in about 3 years. It wasn't a date or anything but he is so sweet, I'm glad i'm proving to myself that I CAN make new friends.

I need to focus on what I can do from here on out. I can have a fresh start and I can be a whole person. I have been going to the gym with Syd and I know I'll have a rockin' body by summer. Who knows maybe i'll be wearing a bikini for the first time EVER. It has been such a good thing for me to focus on myself when I'm at the gym. I used to hate exercise but I feel better when I do.

Its already been 10 days since I talked to him last. I don't know why he hasn't called, part of me wishes he would. The other part knows how I can't go back to what we had. If he asked me to marry him i'd be back in his arms... is that sad? I know it won't happen, I'm trying to move on, really I am.

My goals include being happy with who I am, moving out to an apartment by myself, and graduation. These are all about me, and its what I need to focus on it. I CAN DO IT!!!

What do you do when your "happily ever after" turns into a "once upon a time"?

What if?

When we first started dating, he told me that he hated the "what if" game. I understand why, its because there is always another outcome or chance you should or shouldn't take. Spending your time dealing on what did or didn't happen is a waste but right now I can't help but wonder:

what if I lost my chance at happiness just because I wanted to get married?
what if I don't find anyone who makes me as happy as he did?
what if I could have made it work with him?
what if he starts dating someone new in a month?
what if he gets married in 5 months?
what if I am the 60 year old cat lady who let her soul mate go?
what if I am ruined for the rest of the male population?
what if I can't open my heart and trust another guy?
what if he is happier without me?
what if I never get another hug from him?
what if I can't rebuild my self esteem?
what if all the guys I date don't match up to him?
what if I have to settle for someone who is less than what I want?
what if I never get the chance to talk to him again?
what if I can't handle loosing him?
what if he doesn't feel the same way I do? heartbroken?
what if he never comes back to me?
what if someone else makes him happy?
what if I end up alone? how is that any better than being just the girlfriend?

The truth is I'd rather be the girlfriend the the lonely cat lady and I feel like I've just given up any chance of that happening. I miss him and wish we could fix this
Loving you
dani

Empty

I never knew I could feel so lonely... so empty. I know my blog will just be whining for a little bit but this is my only outlet and he won't read it. So to the few of you who read this blog my suggestion is to ignore it for the next 3-5 months. Again sorry.

I feel like i'm just going through the motions, it feels dangerous for me to drive because my head just isn't in it.

All I have wanted to do is call and see how he is doing, ask him if he still misses me and wants me back. I would do anything to have him hug me again. I seriously can't take this anymore! I miss you Blair Bentley. My family has been more than helpful but still there isn't a cure for heartbreak.

Missing you...

Recently I broke up with my boyfriend of 2 1/2 years. He was the world to me, still is in fact. The thing is; I wanted to be married and he didn't. Thats the gist of it.

I feel like I can't breath most of the time, that the part of me that gave me breathe is missing. It is so hard to keep going on with half of me missing, I crave his touch and love more than anything. If you are reading this Blair I will always love you.

In the end I hope this is worth it, but right now if he said "come back" I wouldn't hesitate. I'd be with him till the end, how do people deal with this stress? Will it ever get any better? How do I trust anyone else? Will my broken heart be able to love again?

It sure feels like the sun won't shine ever again.