confessions of a crazy women

Yesterday I almost felt like a whole person, I didn't even cry once. I contribute it to being at work and staying busy. I just can't do that all the time though.

This morning I woke up (its my day off) and couldn't handle the pain, I broke down crying... Why am I so weak? All I could think about was how it was his first day back teaching classes and that normally we would go to breakfast after he was done. I can't believe he is really gone, and I mean gone gone. He won't ever call or talk to me again (a girl can hope but in reality he won't). I just want to go back to when we were happy and just leave it at that. But I can't, he made all these promises to me and broke every single one of them. I just don't know how to convince myself that its really over.

The other night I went out with Jaimee and Jer and Kyle. It was so nice to not be the third wheel, Kyle even bought my dinner. Talk about shocking, no other guy besides Blair has bought my dinner in about 3 years. It wasn't a date or anything but he is so sweet, I'm glad i'm proving to myself that I CAN make new friends.

I need to focus on what I can do from here on out. I can have a fresh start and I can be a whole person. I have been going to the gym with Syd and I know I'll have a rockin' body by summer. Who knows maybe i'll be wearing a bikini for the first time EVER. It has been such a good thing for me to focus on myself when I'm at the gym. I used to hate exercise but I feel better when I do.

Its already been 10 days since I talked to him last. I don't know why he hasn't called, part of me wishes he would. The other part knows how I can't go back to what we had. If he asked me to marry him i'd be back in his arms... is that sad? I know it won't happen, I'm trying to move on, really I am.

My goals include being happy with who I am, moving out to an apartment by myself, and graduation. These are all about me, and its what I need to focus on it. I CAN DO IT!!!

What do you do when your "happily ever after" turns into a "once upon a time"?

What if?

When we first started dating, he told me that he hated the "what if" game. I understand why, its because there is always another outcome or chance you should or shouldn't take. Spending your time dealing on what did or didn't happen is a waste but right now I can't help but wonder:

what if I lost my chance at happiness just because I wanted to get married?
what if I don't find anyone who makes me as happy as he did?
what if I could have made it work with him?
what if he starts dating someone new in a month?
what if he gets married in 5 months?
what if I am the 60 year old cat lady who let her soul mate go?
what if I am ruined for the rest of the male population?
what if I can't open my heart and trust another guy?
what if he is happier without me?
what if I never get another hug from him?
what if I can't rebuild my self esteem?
what if all the guys I date don't match up to him?
what if I have to settle for someone who is less than what I want?
what if I never get the chance to talk to him again?
what if I can't handle loosing him?
what if he doesn't feel the same way I do? heartbroken?
what if he never comes back to me?
what if someone else makes him happy?
what if I end up alone? how is that any better than being just the girlfriend?

The truth is I'd rather be the girlfriend the the lonely cat lady and I feel like I've just given up any chance of that happening. I miss him and wish we could fix this
Loving you
dani

Empty

I never knew I could feel so lonely... so empty. I know my blog will just be whining for a little bit but this is my only outlet and he won't read it. So to the few of you who read this blog my suggestion is to ignore it for the next 3-5 months. Again sorry.

I feel like i'm just going through the motions, it feels dangerous for me to drive because my head just isn't in it.

All I have wanted to do is call and see how he is doing, ask him if he still misses me and wants me back. I would do anything to have him hug me again. I seriously can't take this anymore! I miss you Blair Bentley. My family has been more than helpful but still there isn't a cure for heartbreak.

Missing you...

Recently I broke up with my boyfriend of 2 1/2 years. He was the world to me, still is in fact. The thing is; I wanted to be married and he didn't. Thats the gist of it.

I feel like I can't breath most of the time, that the part of me that gave me breathe is missing. It is so hard to keep going on with half of me missing, I crave his touch and love more than anything. If you are reading this Blair I will always love you.

In the end I hope this is worth it, but right now if he said "come back" I wouldn't hesitate. I'd be with him till the end, how do people deal with this stress? Will it ever get any better? How do I trust anyone else? Will my broken heart be able to love again?

It sure feels like the sun won't shine ever again.

Christmas 2010

It all started December 19th it was a Sunday, I was bored and I ask Blair if we could open our presents to each other (jokingly) and he totally went for it! He got me a nook :) and I got him a media player for his external hard drive and a painting that is currently being framed, also I got him an electric shaver which I hope leads to more shaving :) ha ha tricky...

On Monday we went to St. George and Blair bought me this jewelry tree that I've wanted forever :)

 This is my nook and nook case. I was spoiled this year.

 Our tree this year.

My family decided to have our christmas 24 hours early because I actually had to work christmas day from 6 a.m. to 2 p.m. (at least it was time and a half). I got lots of jewelry,two sets of scrubs and a shirt that I love! Jaimee even got me a big jewelry box!

 My full jewelry tree! way too full :)

 One of the necklaces I got, this is sooooo pretty!

After work I went to Brenda's and opened gifts with her, she got me a waffle iron that I have wanted for over a year! Amy freaking made me a quilt that is so soft! It is amazing. I didn't get to see them open there gifts and that was sad...

 Brenda gave Blair and I this cook book from the cruise we went on, it is signed by the head chef and the captain of our boat, this was so special I couldn't believe she did this for us!

 My waffle iron and Blair got a food processor from Kammi!

We went to Blair's Dad's house after that, they gave me some jewelry and clothes and a barnes and noble gift card! Blair got some book shelves and they are going to help us get the geo fixed! yay blair will have a car!

They also had us over sunday night for prime rib, it was awesome! Lori makes the best baked potatoes!

We had a progressive lunch on sunday with brenda and that whole side of the family that means everyone (thirty people) came to Blair's apartment so we had to clean the whole thing, we even got the backroom cleaned! Here is the proof!

My favorite thing this break was watching the grinch who stole christmas with blair christmas night, It was such a good way to wrap up a fun holiday. He is the best :)

Sisters

When everything goes wrong there is one person who knows exactly what to say. You know the saying: "somedays your the windshield, and somedays your the bug"? Well lately I've been the bug. (and by lately I mean the past two days) Sisters just have a way of saying things, that if came from another person would make you scream. Maybe its the fact that your stuck with them but for some reason she helps me more than any person out there.

In the cookies of life, sisters are the chocolate chips.