Yesterday I almost felt like a whole person, I didn't even cry once. I contribute it to being at work and staying busy. I just can't do that all the time though.
This morning I woke up (its my day off) and couldn't handle the pain, I broke down crying... Why am I so weak? All I could think about was how it was his first day back teaching classes and that normally we would go to breakfast after he was done. I can't believe he is really gone, and I mean gone gone. He won't ever call or talk to me again (a girl can hope but in reality he won't). I just want to go back to when we were happy and just leave it at that. But I can't, he made all these promises to me and broke every single one of them. I just don't know how to convince myself that its really over.
The other night I went out with Jaimee and Jer and Kyle. It was so nice to not be the third wheel, Kyle even bought my dinner. Talk about shocking, no other guy besides Blair has bought my dinner in about 3 years. It wasn't a date or anything but he is so sweet, I'm glad i'm proving to myself that I CAN make new friends.
I need to focus on what I can do from here on out. I can have a fresh start and I can be a whole person. I have been going to the gym with Syd and I know I'll have a rockin' body by summer. Who knows maybe i'll be wearing a bikini for the first time EVER. It has been such a good thing for me to focus on myself when I'm at the gym. I used to hate exercise but I feel better when I do.
Its already been 10 days since I talked to him last. I don't know why he hasn't called, part of me wishes he would. The other part knows how I can't go back to what we had. If he asked me to marry him i'd be back in his arms... is that sad? I know it won't happen, I'm trying to move on, really I am.
My goals include being happy with who I am, moving out to an apartment by myself, and graduation. These are all about me, and its what I need to focus on it. I CAN DO IT!!!
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