Tomorrow it will be 20 days with out seeing your or hearing your voice. I still miss you. I have come to realize your not going to come back, no matter how much I want it forcing you into marrying me will just make you miserable. I can't help thinking about how great of a guy you truly are, except for this one thing we were so completely happy.
To bad this one thing is a huge thing, for me at least. The only way I get through the day is by telling myself that you'll probably not marry anyone else ever. Deep down inside I don't know that this is true but it helps me from blaming myself for everything.
I whined about you putting happy things on your facebook and then what did I do? Put happy things on facebook. I think it must hurt you knowing that I am continuing on just like it hurts me knowing that you are moving on. I hope you are as hurt as I am... I know you are stubborn but you can't have just gone on like nothing happened, after all you were crying that night.
You haven't posted anything on facebook since my last blog post, which makes me wonder if you are reading this? This is a good outlet for my feelings so not everyone has to listen to me go on and on about how I miss you. Just know I want you to be happy, eventually. Just not right now. And honestly I want to know how you are handling things, I'd read your blog.
I have a lot of things going on in my life that I thought you would be apart of and it is really hard not to pick up the phone and tell you all my exciting news. However I know that it will rip apart my already broken heart to hear your voice. I would really like to see Morgan swim tomorrow but seeing you would kill me. I wish I didn't feel like I can't talk to you, maybe we can be friends down the road but right now I just want you to make me feel better by hugging and kissing me and that is SOO not a good idea.
I feel resentment right now about all the lies you told me, hating you is getting easier. I even deleted the pictures of you off my phone, can't say the same for all the hundreds I have saved on my computer but maybe one day it won't hurt so much to look at them. Its only been 20 days but it feels like an eternity. I don't know how I've maintained the strength to not contact you, every fiber of my being says I belong with you but the smallest voice says that I don't want to go back to just hoping you'll propose. And crying about that every other day. Somebody somewhere will want to marry me, for real this time.
The strong, independent, happy Dani has shown her face a time or two and it has felt so amazing. It will be nice to feeling like a whole person all of the time. My family and friends have been so helpful, I didn't realize the support group I have until I really needed them. So many people care about me and while I do miss the friends we had together or spending time with your family I know those people need to take care of you. I hope you are on your way to being the person you want to be. Sorry if I got in the way of that. I am strong and hopefully I can keep the past in the past.
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