ups and downs

So I still dream about you, and last night you took me back... It was hard waking up to reality.

I felt like king of the world yesterday, hardly thought of you at all. Then came today, I asked jaimee to text you to see if you could find my passport. You texted me back that you couldn't find it and I fell apart, how could you do that? Seeing your name flash up the new text message is what I've wanted for so long. I just hoped it would be saying "come back, we can do this"

Of course the strong thing for me to do would have been to push delete but instead I replied thanking you for looking and that I hope we did the right thing, I also said I miss my best friend. All you said in reply was "same here. Let me know if you need anything else" I wanted to hear how much you missed me and that you'd do anything to get me back. Why do I let myself believe these foolish things? I just want to wake up in the morning with your arms still around me and here you whisper that you love me. Why did you have to ruin all our plans? I would be the perfect wife, you know that. I've proved it to you a thousand ways, I truly hope this is what will make you happy because it sure isn't making me happy.

This feels like a divorce and in some ways it is, I did everything a wife would do in hopes that I would be a wife to you. Now I am alone. I miss having someone to care for and to make happy. Losing that has taken away part of my soul. I don't know how to just take care of myself. I am trying but I want to clean up after you and make sure you had a good day.

How could you do this to me? to us? I thought this is what you wanted as well. Boy was I wrong. This better make you happy and I hope that you find someone who is better than me for you. My heart is still so broken and I don't know how to fix it.