Thank you

I have spent a lot of time focusing on myself and my feelings and I know its nessacary to go through this. The thing I need to do is thank all of my family and friends who have so graciously given their time to me. I have been given so much great advice from these people who care so much about me. I can't say thank you enough, I know that it isn't over but if I focus on being thankful it distracts me from my own thoughts.

 Last night I had a dream about you, it was the first one in a couple weeks. You walked up to me and kissed me, asked me back into your life and promised again that we would get married. This time I woke up and knew your promise would end the same way all the rest of your lies have. I am mad that you couldn't talk to me about what was bothering you or that you didn't want to fix us. I have lately had a sinking feeling that you lied to me about things, and having to deal with the secrets helped you realize you couldn't make good on your promise.

I had/have an unhealthy addiction to you, and the only thing that made me feel good was more of you. Your time your attenton and your thoughts. I don't want to be the girl who is validated by the man she is with. I am striving to be a strong self-fulfilled woman that I know I can be. Seeing your family or being close to where I know you're at feeds that addiction and really it just opens my wounds. The thing is I don't know how to get past this downward sprial I'm in.  It feels like its all self-inflicted wounds at this point.

I keep going back to all my crying and worrying about the future, you always told me not to stress because it was going to work out. Do you see now what I was so afraid of? You made all my worst fears come true and honestly it is as bad as I thought it would be at least right now. However I do know that there is a time when I will be past those fears, there is a light at the end of this tunnel. That thought alone is helping me get through this rough time.
I still see your smile when I close my eyes, feel your arms around me and your kisses on the back of my neck. You made me happy but now I know that I need to make me happy, what I would give for a switch to turn off all the memories we had together.

Whats good is that I get the chance to let someone else make me a priority, to be as happy with me as I am with them. I told you once I wanted someone to treat me like a princess, I thought you had. But now I don't think so, I need someone who makes me feel that I am worth taking the risk and making that commitment.