Well its been 4 weeks with out seeing or hearing you... today I don't feel much better than the day after it happened. I've been doing everything right... hanging out with my family and friends, going to gym, burying myself in school and work. Yet I still find time to miss you. I went and hung out with your mom yesterday, she said you still have bad days too (this made me feel a little better) and that you weren't drinking. I'm proud of you. I just figured you would be.
We talked about things that I thought would happen for us and how said I was that it wasn't ever going to happen, you mom said she didn't want me to have the same relationship she had... and that she saw traits in you that your father had. I never wanted to see it but maybe finding someone who will go to church with me and support me in all my goals will be good.
Everyone seems to have the same opinion, and that is you just weren't motivated. That might not be the reason you couldn't marry me but I feel like its part of it. In reality this makes sense and I don't want to have to motivate you to do everything, I shouldn't have to be your mom. Maybe the next guy in my life will be self motivated.
I have a lot of things in my life that have become so much more important to me. It feels like I have more of a purpose than just taking care of you. I am doubtful I can be as happy with someone else as I was with you but I sure as hell can be happier with myself than I was when I with you... and that might just give me reason enough to not care that you haven't tried to talk to me.
I'm still hurt but I'm trying to make something good out of what has happened. I still love you and probably always will. Just maybe I can open my heart to someone else in the future.
Friday, January 28, 2011
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
The Ride
In my last post I mentioned that the ride was coming to an end, I had hoped that it was close to the end. I was wrong I guess there are a few more hurdles than I last thought.
Everytime I close my eyes I feel like this is all a dream/nightmare and that when I open them again you'll be there smiling and putting your arms around me. Making me feel like your whole world. Do you miss that? I do, and as hard as I am trying to put the past away it still creeps up on me when I least expect it. I cried about you for the first time in a week, why the hell can't I just move past what we had and on to what may be the best thing ever?
I found out your brother and sister-in-law are having a girl, and I'm so excited for them. I really thought that would be us in another year, I was so excited that I found someone I could trust and love completely and be with for the rest of my life. I don't feel like I could ever be that happy with someone else, and I don't want to just settle. Today I feel like I lost the best thing that ever happened to me, and it is all my fault. Why couldn't stupid Dani just be content with what we had?
Being with you was as easy as breathing for me, it came so natural. I was so blissfully happy and it came to a crashing halt, on that day you called me from the jewelry store saying you couldn't do it. Jaimee told me you said we could work it out that we could pick a ring together, but I knew you'd never be able to do it and that our relationship was history. I wanted so badly for you to ask me to stay, to come up with a solution to fix us... I guess you were done trying. You still haven't tried calling, I should know by know you don't want to fix what we had and I need to stop hoping you'll come back to me. I NEED to hate you but I just can't, after all you were my best friend. But you lied to me, you got my hopes up and then crushed them...
I have the chance to move forward in my life and I am trying so very hard to do that, but thoughts of you just keep popping back into my head and it sucks it really does. I miss you. I miss what we had. I can't believe someone would WANT to be alone for their life but I guess you do.
Everytime I close my eyes I feel like this is all a dream/nightmare and that when I open them again you'll be there smiling and putting your arms around me. Making me feel like your whole world. Do you miss that? I do, and as hard as I am trying to put the past away it still creeps up on me when I least expect it. I cried about you for the first time in a week, why the hell can't I just move past what we had and on to what may be the best thing ever?
I found out your brother and sister-in-law are having a girl, and I'm so excited for them. I really thought that would be us in another year, I was so excited that I found someone I could trust and love completely and be with for the rest of my life. I don't feel like I could ever be that happy with someone else, and I don't want to just settle. Today I feel like I lost the best thing that ever happened to me, and it is all my fault. Why couldn't stupid Dani just be content with what we had?
Being with you was as easy as breathing for me, it came so natural. I was so blissfully happy and it came to a crashing halt, on that day you called me from the jewelry store saying you couldn't do it. Jaimee told me you said we could work it out that we could pick a ring together, but I knew you'd never be able to do it and that our relationship was history. I wanted so badly for you to ask me to stay, to come up with a solution to fix us... I guess you were done trying. You still haven't tried calling, I should know by know you don't want to fix what we had and I need to stop hoping you'll come back to me. I NEED to hate you but I just can't, after all you were my best friend. But you lied to me, you got my hopes up and then crushed them...
I have the chance to move forward in my life and I am trying so very hard to do that, but thoughts of you just keep popping back into my head and it sucks it really does. I miss you. I miss what we had. I can't believe someone would WANT to be alone for their life but I guess you do.
Saturday, January 22, 2011
Confidence
You've heard the quote "sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together" Well I was convinced that what I had with Blair was the "better". My head knows now that I was wrong and my heart is coming around to the idea. I think better things are starting to come forward. The most advice I have gotten about this whole situation is to focus on myself and I haven't been able to do that fully until now.
I feel more like a whole person than the whole time we dated, because it was always a "we" thing, kind of a package deal. My individuality that I had before is starting to come back and I know that I can and will get back on that horse (metaphorically speaking)
I have always been a lucky person and that has to do with my perspective on things; I read part of the book called "the secret" it basically states that if you think positively it will happen. So instead of saying "I hope I don't get sick" you have to think "I won't get sick" and right now I'm saying "I will be happy". It is better to fake it till you make it than to just wait for happiness to find you. I have been faking for the first two weeks but now I think I have found something to make me truly happy.
It won't be easy but it will be worth it. I got some great advice from a great friend at work. She said "you have to be happy in the present because you can never get it back" I know some people will think I am out of my mind crazy but honestly I am ready to face the music. So its been just over 3 weeks now and I feel like my roller coaster is starting to level out, coming to the real end of the ride. Now its time to find a new ride and enjoy the new twists and turns.
I feel more like a whole person than the whole time we dated, because it was always a "we" thing, kind of a package deal. My individuality that I had before is starting to come back and I know that I can and will get back on that horse (metaphorically speaking)
I have always been a lucky person and that has to do with my perspective on things; I read part of the book called "the secret" it basically states that if you think positively it will happen. So instead of saying "I hope I don't get sick" you have to think "I won't get sick" and right now I'm saying "I will be happy". It is better to fake it till you make it than to just wait for happiness to find you. I have been faking for the first two weeks but now I think I have found something to make me truly happy.
It won't be easy but it will be worth it. I got some great advice from a great friend at work. She said "you have to be happy in the present because you can never get it back" I know some people will think I am out of my mind crazy but honestly I am ready to face the music. So its been just over 3 weeks now and I feel like my roller coaster is starting to level out, coming to the real end of the ride. Now its time to find a new ride and enjoy the new twists and turns.
I might be getting a puppy like this one
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Day 20 (almost)
Tomorrow it will be 20 days with out seeing your or hearing your voice. I still miss you. I have come to realize your not going to come back, no matter how much I want it forcing you into marrying me will just make you miserable. I can't help thinking about how great of a guy you truly are, except for this one thing we were so completely happy.
To bad this one thing is a huge thing, for me at least. The only way I get through the day is by telling myself that you'll probably not marry anyone else ever. Deep down inside I don't know that this is true but it helps me from blaming myself for everything.
I whined about you putting happy things on your facebook and then what did I do? Put happy things on facebook. I think it must hurt you knowing that I am continuing on just like it hurts me knowing that you are moving on. I hope you are as hurt as I am... I know you are stubborn but you can't have just gone on like nothing happened, after all you were crying that night.
You haven't posted anything on facebook since my last blog post, which makes me wonder if you are reading this? This is a good outlet for my feelings so not everyone has to listen to me go on and on about how I miss you. Just know I want you to be happy, eventually. Just not right now. And honestly I want to know how you are handling things, I'd read your blog.
I have a lot of things going on in my life that I thought you would be apart of and it is really hard not to pick up the phone and tell you all my exciting news. However I know that it will rip apart my already broken heart to hear your voice. I would really like to see Morgan swim tomorrow but seeing you would kill me. I wish I didn't feel like I can't talk to you, maybe we can be friends down the road but right now I just want you to make me feel better by hugging and kissing me and that is SOO not a good idea.
I feel resentment right now about all the lies you told me, hating you is getting easier. I even deleted the pictures of you off my phone, can't say the same for all the hundreds I have saved on my computer but maybe one day it won't hurt so much to look at them. Its only been 20 days but it feels like an eternity. I don't know how I've maintained the strength to not contact you, every fiber of my being says I belong with you but the smallest voice says that I don't want to go back to just hoping you'll propose. And crying about that every other day. Somebody somewhere will want to marry me, for real this time.
The strong, independent, happy Dani has shown her face a time or two and it has felt so amazing. It will be nice to feeling like a whole person all of the time. My family and friends have been so helpful, I didn't realize the support group I have until I really needed them. So many people care about me and while I do miss the friends we had together or spending time with your family I know those people need to take care of you. I hope you are on your way to being the person you want to be. Sorry if I got in the way of that. I am strong and hopefully I can keep the past in the past.
To bad this one thing is a huge thing, for me at least. The only way I get through the day is by telling myself that you'll probably not marry anyone else ever. Deep down inside I don't know that this is true but it helps me from blaming myself for everything.
I whined about you putting happy things on your facebook and then what did I do? Put happy things on facebook. I think it must hurt you knowing that I am continuing on just like it hurts me knowing that you are moving on. I hope you are as hurt as I am... I know you are stubborn but you can't have just gone on like nothing happened, after all you were crying that night.
You haven't posted anything on facebook since my last blog post, which makes me wonder if you are reading this? This is a good outlet for my feelings so not everyone has to listen to me go on and on about how I miss you. Just know I want you to be happy, eventually. Just not right now. And honestly I want to know how you are handling things, I'd read your blog.
I have a lot of things going on in my life that I thought you would be apart of and it is really hard not to pick up the phone and tell you all my exciting news. However I know that it will rip apart my already broken heart to hear your voice. I would really like to see Morgan swim tomorrow but seeing you would kill me. I wish I didn't feel like I can't talk to you, maybe we can be friends down the road but right now I just want you to make me feel better by hugging and kissing me and that is SOO not a good idea.
I feel resentment right now about all the lies you told me, hating you is getting easier. I even deleted the pictures of you off my phone, can't say the same for all the hundreds I have saved on my computer but maybe one day it won't hurt so much to look at them. Its only been 20 days but it feels like an eternity. I don't know how I've maintained the strength to not contact you, every fiber of my being says I belong with you but the smallest voice says that I don't want to go back to just hoping you'll propose. And crying about that every other day. Somebody somewhere will want to marry me, for real this time.
The strong, independent, happy Dani has shown her face a time or two and it has felt so amazing. It will be nice to feeling like a whole person all of the time. My family and friends have been so helpful, I didn't realize the support group I have until I really needed them. So many people care about me and while I do miss the friends we had together or spending time with your family I know those people need to take care of you. I hope you are on your way to being the person you want to be. Sorry if I got in the way of that. I am strong and hopefully I can keep the past in the past.
Sunday, January 16, 2011
New Adventures
Then Jaimee decided we needed to go to Dixie's Crack and hike around, even though I was in heels and it was dark! :) It was an adventure for sure, I'm lucky I didn't die! There were times I thought for sure I was going to end up face first in the red sand, luckily I had some very chivalrous gentlemen looking out for me :)
Day 16
I thought when love for you died, I should die. It's dead. Alone, most strangely, I live on.
They say that time heals all wounds but all it's done so far is give me more time to think about how much I miss you.
To end this blog post I just want to say how hard getting over him has been, I know it isn't over by a long shot but I can't stop thinking about how things were supposed to be. How many little things you said that made me certain we were going to be getting married. That you would never let me leave, how you planned on having kids with me and things about the house we would buy. The thing I need to realize is you LIED about all of it, I had every ounce of my being convinced that you would go through with it and now I can't even talk to you. My best friend is gone, and you didn't even want to try to work on it. I guess I must have made you just dread our future together. I know all of this now and I still can't convince myself that you NOT coming back. I'm sure you are already over me and that sucks. I see all of your facebook posts and how busy and happy you are, and I wish I was there to share in your happy moments. But I can't be there because of your decision. Do you miss me? Do you wish you would have taken that leap? Or are you thrilled to be with your friends and drinking again? Is this what you want? I thought I was what you wanted..
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
ups and downs
So I still dream about you, and last night you took me back... It was hard waking up to reality.
I felt like king of the world yesterday, hardly thought of you at all. Then came today, I asked jaimee to text you to see if you could find my passport. You texted me back that you couldn't find it and I fell apart, how could you do that? Seeing your name flash up the new text message is what I've wanted for so long. I just hoped it would be saying "come back, we can do this"
Of course the strong thing for me to do would have been to push delete but instead I replied thanking you for looking and that I hope we did the right thing, I also said I miss my best friend. All you said in reply was "same here. Let me know if you need anything else" I wanted to hear how much you missed me and that you'd do anything to get me back. Why do I let myself believe these foolish things? I just want to wake up in the morning with your arms still around me and here you whisper that you love me. Why did you have to ruin all our plans? I would be the perfect wife, you know that. I've proved it to you a thousand ways, I truly hope this is what will make you happy because it sure isn't making me happy.
This feels like a divorce and in some ways it is, I did everything a wife would do in hopes that I would be a wife to you. Now I am alone. I miss having someone to care for and to make happy. Losing that has taken away part of my soul. I don't know how to just take care of myself. I am trying but I want to clean up after you and make sure you had a good day.
How could you do this to me? to us? I thought this is what you wanted as well. Boy was I wrong. This better make you happy and I hope that you find someone who is better than me for you. My heart is still so broken and I don't know how to fix it.
I felt like king of the world yesterday, hardly thought of you at all. Then came today, I asked jaimee to text you to see if you could find my passport. You texted me back that you couldn't find it and I fell apart, how could you do that? Seeing your name flash up the new text message is what I've wanted for so long. I just hoped it would be saying "come back, we can do this"
Of course the strong thing for me to do would have been to push delete but instead I replied thanking you for looking and that I hope we did the right thing, I also said I miss my best friend. All you said in reply was "same here. Let me know if you need anything else" I wanted to hear how much you missed me and that you'd do anything to get me back. Why do I let myself believe these foolish things? I just want to wake up in the morning with your arms still around me and here you whisper that you love me. Why did you have to ruin all our plans? I would be the perfect wife, you know that. I've proved it to you a thousand ways, I truly hope this is what will make you happy because it sure isn't making me happy.
This feels like a divorce and in some ways it is, I did everything a wife would do in hopes that I would be a wife to you. Now I am alone. I miss having someone to care for and to make happy. Losing that has taken away part of my soul. I don't know how to just take care of myself. I am trying but I want to clean up after you and make sure you had a good day.
How could you do this to me? to us? I thought this is what you wanted as well. Boy was I wrong. This better make you happy and I hope that you find someone who is better than me for you. My heart is still so broken and I don't know how to fix it.
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
I'm getting a little bit stronger
This song came to me at the right moment, it was kind of a small blessing.
What I've learned thus far is that the reason my sadness is that my plans for my future came to a halting cessation.In my quest for fulfillment I have discovered that by making my new plans that I can complete has made me feel more whole.
JOY, shine, DrIvE, SAss, OoMpH, sparKle, EXCITEment, Confidence, MOMENTUM, grits, HoPE, NErVE, and SpIrIt.
These are things that I want to add to my life from here on out it is about me, and making me happy! I will focus on my well being and who I am as person. By doing these things I hope to add meaning and value to my life :)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
